Diary Of A Born Again Christian

"Be still, and know that I am God."

The Christian “middle finger”.

When I was a teenager, the community I lived in was made up of a lot of Christians of many different denominations. I was different than most students in my school. I sported pink hair, loved dressing wildly, and listened to metal. I was also loudly opinionated, and didn’t care to do anything mainstream. I liked smoking pot and cigarettes, and would often sneak vodka in water bottles. As you can imagine, I was quite the charmer. Truth was, I was dealing with emotional problems. This, coupled with my attitude and style made me a target for misguided Christians.

I can’t tell you how many times I was asked if I accepted Jesus into my heart, and told that if I only repented I could receive God’s glory. I may have been troubled, but I respected what they were trying to do. But when I politely declined, I was often hit with a phrase that to this day drives me nuts when people use it in an obviously snarky way.

“I’ll pray for you.” That, my friends, is the Christian middle finger. Okay, I know what some of you are thinking. I myself have used this phrase, but in a genuine way, when someone I love or care for is dealing with life’s iron fist. But, when you say “I’ll pray for you” because you’ve hit a wall with someone, you may as well show them you’re middle finger, because that’s the message the person on the opposite side is receiving. All it does is harden their hearts even more, and it puts a bad taste in their mouth for Christians. Besides, God knows our intentions, and He frowns on behavior like that.

Prayer is meant to lift up one another, it’s not a weapon to use against other people. As someone who has been on the receiving end of it, I can tell you that it is seen as self righteous and rude. None of us are perfect, but we should always make sure we have lines we will vow to never cross.

Self awareness of our actions is a large part of what it means to be Christian. Be quick to listen, and slow to speak. It’s hard at times, especially when being faced with anyone who is challenging who we are. That’s when love comes in as well. It is much easier to do things the right way when we genuinely care for others, whether they are our friends or our enemies.

I wanted to bring up this subject, because it was a very common wall I hit when interacting with Christians before I was a believer. I have been on the receiving end of that phrase, and it is hurtful. It is also obnoxious and off putting. So I’m asking you all, please, don’t use the Christian middle finger! When you say “I’ll pray for you”, be completely genuine.

Leave a comment »

Movie theatre shooting

The motherboard on my laptop fried, so bare with me as I post this from my phone because I really wanted to speak about this tragedy that happened late last night at a movie theatre in Aurora, CO.

Every morning when I wake up, I turn on CNN to watch the news. Lately it has been all about the presidential election. But this morning, I was horrified(like millions of Americans) to discover that while innocent people, including small children, were trying to enjoy the new Batman movie, a man with a bullet proof vest and gas mask opened fire. 12 people have been confirmed dead, and many others have non fatal gunshot wounds. Women, children, teenagers….. dead.

I, like many others, cannot wrap my brain around this tragedy. We ask ourselves, “Why did this happen? Why would a person heartlessly kill innocent people enjoying a movie with their family and friends?” Truth is, this kind of a situation is very psychologically complicated, and we may never receive any answers.

I urge everyone to pray for the families of these victims, and trust that our God has these victims safely in heaven. Pray for justice, pray for answers. Pray for the comfort of those affected by this awful tragedy.

Leave a comment »

Summer fashion for the modest woman.

A big concern for a lot of Christian women is dressing modestly. They don’t want to show a lot of skin, or cleavage, and understandably so. But just because we want to dress modestly, doesn’t mean we don’t want to look nice. I feel it’s important for women to feel confident in the clothing they wear, it’s good for you! Dressing in clothes that lack color and style just aren’t going to do it. This concern is not exclusive to Christian women, either. Moms, plus size women, and any type of woman for that matter don’t necessarily want to showcase their bodies. That leaves many of us stuck in a fashion rut.I love Old Navy, because they offer fashionable clothes, and it’s not difficult to find clothing from their store that fits a modest lifestyle. Another great thing about Old Navy, is they carry a large selection of plus size and maternity clothing. They also clearance items and have sales quite frequently. The listed sale price on the items listed below are NOT the sale prices that are going on right now, so check them out on Old Navy’s website! In this posting, I’m going to showcase some dresses, blouses, and shorts that are modest and fashionable.

This is a printed ruffle dress, $29.94. I love the print, the ruffles, and the length. I also love that it covers just enough of the chest so there’s no cleavage showing. If you’re uncomfortable showing your legs, you can pair this with a pair of yellow skinny jeans, like these:

Yellow skinny jeans, $34.94.

This pink chiffon maxi dress, $44.94, lays at the calves, and is beautiful, and delicate looking. Pair this with a yellow cardigan(shown below), and you could wear this to church.

Yellow cardigan, $19.94

Maxi dresses are very popular. They look good on almost every body type, and are comfortable. This floral maxi dress, $39.94, is light weight, very colorful, and ties at the waist. And, if you’re not comfortable showing your arms and shoulders, you can pair it with a puple cardigan, like this:

Purple cardigan, $19.94

When dealing with a dress that’s a little on the shorter side, like this yellow cap-sleeved dress, $24.94, I think they look really cute paired with skinny jeans, like the pair shown above, $34.94.

This floral blouse, $22.94, is colorful, and has a nice length. It will look really great with these bermuda shorts, $26.94. Bermuda shorts are great for those of us that like to be a bit more modest, because they are longer. The shorts pictured are 12″, so they should rest right at the knee.

I like long sleeves, and this purple camp shirt, $24.94, is the kind of thing that offers coverage, but is light weight enough so you won’t fry during the summer! Dark washed bermuda shorts, $26.94, go quite well with this top.

I hope you ladies found this helpful! I’ve always enjoyed dressing in colorful clothing, although I have toned down my style quite a bit. I’ve been very happy with everything I’ve purchased from Old Navy. I feel fashionable, but not like I’m trying to showcase my body, just my personality!

Leave a comment »

The little guy that started it all.

I have always believed in God. I am one of those people who have always felt connected to something spiritual and beyond me, but never experienced anything that “sparked” a connection with God. Then I became pregnant. To me, my pregnancy was a miracle. When I was 19 years old, I was diagnosed with PCOS. PCOS is a hormonal imbalance that causes a number of problems for a woman. For me, it caused weight gain, and lots of small cysts that formed around my ovaries, making it very difficult for ovulation. Because of this, the chances of me having a baby while having PCOS was extremely slim. The thought of becoming a mother one day was always my dream, and it was crushed. I cried for days. The only way I could beat PCOS was to lose weight. Unfortunately, PCOS makes it very difficult to lose weight.

In 2007, I had the lap band surgery, and lost 130 pounds in a year and a half. In 2010, when I was 24 years old, I ovulated for the first time ever. I decided, that even though I was single, I wanted to try to have a baby. I decided to start the process during my cycle in June. Half way into the month of July, I got a positive pregnancy test. I couldn’t believe my eyes, I got pregnant on the  first try. Now, that can be a difficult thing to achieve, even for women that have never had a fertility issue in their life. I knew my prayers had been answered, and I was thrilled.

I had some difficulties in my pregnancy. IUGR being the biggest concern. For some reason, my baby had a difficult time getting enough nutrition from my body. I was also constantly sick. Around 35 weeks, he began switching between being breached, and being properly positioned. My OB told me that if he didn’t stay in the proper position by 38 weeks, he would likely stay there and I would have to schedule a c section. Thankfully, he flipped back. However, at my 38 week appointment, the OB was concerned that his growth hadn’t improved in the last several weeks. On March 7th, 20ll, they decided to induce me. They said he would grow faster if he was born early.

That night, I was admitted to L&D, and was given medication to soften my cervix. I was also given an IV drip of pitocin. 12 hours later, I had progressed to 4 cm dilation. The doctor wasn’t too thrilled about that, so she broke my water and they upped my dosage of pitocin. After several hours of hard, off the chart contractions, I got my epidural. The waiting game continued, and 22 hours after my water had been broken, I was 5 cm dilated. My doctor informed me that we could wait a couple more hours, but that 24 hours after your water is broken, if you haven’t dilated completely, you need to have a c section because of the risk of infection. The chances of me dilating 5 cm in 2 hours were pretty slim. Exhausted, and ready to hold my baby, I decided then and there that I would go ahead with a c section right away.

I loved my c section experience, which is something you rarely hear. The reason, was because I was able to focus on the birth of my son, and I was able to soak in every moment of it. When he was born, he didn’t cry. He was healthy, and nothing was wrong with him, he just seemed to observe everything that was going on. When my mother brought him to me after they pulled him out, I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was so beautiful, and so perfect. And tiny, he weighed 6 pounds 2 ounces. We stared into each other’s eyes, and I cried like he should have been. That was the moment, the moment that I felt God. He answered my prayers, and gave me a beautiful son. I named him Kylan Daniel Alexander. He was born at 10:25 am, after 36 hours of labor.

He is the love of my life, the reason I could never deny God’s existence.

Shortly after we met each other for the first time.


The first picture I ever took of my little monkey.

I was the most popular patient in the maternity ward with my bright red hair.

He was the most popular baby in the maternity ward because of how adorable and tiny he was.

His first day home!

Only 16 months old, and yet we have already come so far.


1 Comment »

Requirements for being a “good” Christian.

Some people might think there is a list of requirements you have to meet to be a good Christian. First, I want to stress that I firmly believe that we are all good Christians. We may have struggles, and trip at times, but we are good Christians no matter what. We love God with all our heart, with all our soul, and with all our mind. And, we have opened our hearts to Jesus and try our best to let the Spirit guide our lives. Those things, to me, are the most important. What we do after that doesn’t exactly make us better or worse than other Christians. After all, God doesn’t show favoritism. Still, a lot of Christians feel pressure to do everything perfectly, in hopes that they will be seen as “good enough”, in the eyes of God, and in the eyes of other Christians. So I’m going to go down a common list of things that some Christians feel like they are required to achieve, that I really feel convicted to express that I don’t feel are actual requirements.

Going to church for every service. Okay, I know this is probably going to make some eyes roll, and I apologize, but please let me explain. Now, I try to go to church as often as I can. But honestly, I don’t get to go very often. It is mostly determined by my son’s sleep schedule. If I wake him up in the morning on Sunday before he’s ready so we can go to church, I am going to be called into the nursery every 10 minutes because he’s being a terror. Thursday nights, I work. Since I work for my mom’s business, and I’m the only one that holds my position, that makes it even more difficult to swing. I know some of you are probably thinking I’m making excuses, but that’s just the reality of my life. A lot of people find themselves in a similar pinch, and they feel guilty about it. But here’s the thing; instead of feeling guilty, there are ways to still be fed with God’s word when you just can’t go to church as often as you want, and need to. Read your bible, every day. The most important part of church is hearing God’s word. Well, it’s right there in your bible, so read it! Worship is a big deal to me, and it is to a lot of other people. So listen to Christian radio as often as you can to help lift you up. And, if your church offers web broadcasted service, watch it if possible. Before church was a widely available thing, people had to worship and be fed God’s word in other ways. We can do that too, and we shouldn’t let not going to church weigh down on our hearts.

Volunteering to go on a mission trip. This is something I would absolutely love to do, but it’s not realistic. As a single parent, I carry all the responsibility for my son. He is so young, I don’t feel it would be the right thing to do to leave for several weeks to go on a mission trip. It wouldn’t be ideal for me to take him with me either. Is that terrible? I really don’t think so. I commend people who can commit so much of their lives to that cause, because I think it’s amazing, and it is important for the gospel to be spread around the world, and for Christians to help those in third world countries. It’s just not something I can make happen. Now, when my son is old enough to do something like that with me, I would really love to make it happen. In the mean time, there are other ways to spread God’s word, without going to Africa. When you see a homeless person out on the street in triple digit weather, off him or her some bottled water and food. It’s offering them something they need, and you can take the opportunity to help soften their hearts. There may be plenty of places in the world where God’s word is not heard, but let me tell you, there are plenty of people in our own country that have no clue about God and what He can offer our lives. We can reach out to young people, our friends, our family. It doesn’t matter what part of the world you’re in. Spreading the word and helping your fellow man is spreading the word and helping your fellow man.

Living a sin free life. This, I believe is the most unrealistic thing ever. I’m not saying you should go around doing things you shouldn’t do without a care in the world. However, we are all going to slip up from time to time. Temptation is going to stare us in the face, and we will give in to it. There are some pretty important things I have been able to stay away from that were a real issue for me. Sex being the number one issue. I have promised to be celibate, for how long, only God knows. Love is another one. I used to be very hateful, and full of judgement. For the most part, that has been relatively easy. Little things are what get me. Like cursing, and letting my anger get the best of me. Humans are so emotional, God made us that way. Things that are a product of emotion can be pretty hard to control all the time. The problem with that is, almost everything we do that is sinful is the product of emotion. That is quite the pickle! Instead of feeling a tremendous amount of guilt because you made a mistake, ask God for forgiveness and move on. It’s not like he is keeping a check list of how many times you said you were sorry, and that at some point He’s going to cut you off.

Converting non believers. Is it important to help bring people to God? Absolutely. A wonderful friend helped bring me to God. If she hadn’t of done that, who knows how many years it would have taken me to surrender myself to God. I hope to do the same for as many people as possible while I’m here on this earth. Although it’s important, you don’t need to be a recruiter. God and Jesus are the number 1 recruiters. God just brings certain people into our lives to help us find our way. If there is someone in your life that needs God, yes, you should most definitely be there for that person, and offer up as much comfort and God’s word as possible. When God is making you compelled to do that, do it. That’s part of being like Christ, most certainly. But if you’re thinking back, and your “list” of people is sparse, don’t feel guilty. If you are loving, and kind, and helpful to people who need you, you and God can together soften their hearts.

Some of you might be thinking that this is some sort of justification for me not living my life a certain way. It’s not. The reason I wrote this, is because everyone needs to know that you don’t have to live your life a specific way to be a good Christian. Our walks with God are all uniquely different. God calls us in different ways, and we fulfill His will in different ways. Of course, this is just my personal conviction. Everything I do, I pray on. If I’m doing something wrong for my life, I know God will let me know. He is constantly nudging me in different directions, and when I feel compelled to do or say something, I know it’s Him nudging me to do so. My walk with God so far has been amazing. It has also been difficult and confusing at times, because it is part of human nature to please, and to want to feel good enough. The thing is, when it comes to God and His grace, we are good enough, just as we are. As long as we listen to our convictions, listen to God’s nudges, and do what the Spirit inside is telling us what’s right and wrong, we will do just fine. More than fine, we will be exceptional in the eyes of our God.

1 Comment »

About Lizzie

I love Godvine, some days I spend a lot of time watching videos on that website. Today, I watched a video about an inspiring woman named Lizzie. In the video, she holds up cards explaining her story, with her face hidden. When she was in high school, she was voted “the ugliest woman in the world”. A video on youtube was posted about it, and there were several million hits. She has a disorder that only affects a few people in the entire world. She read every single comment on that video, and was deeply hurt. But instead of seeking revenge, she decided to fight back in a different way. She has been a motivational speaker for 6 years, has one book published, is writing another, and has graduated from college. She is 23 years old. At the end of the video, she reveals herself. The bible tells us that what makes women beautiful is our spirit. This girl has an amazingly beautiful spirit, and it shines through. She is beautiful, and she used her faith in God, and her own determination to prove it.

She has a website, AboutLizzie. She posts information about her books, Lizzie Beautiful and Be Beautiful, Be you. She features a photo gallery, with pictures of her with her fans, and pictures of just her that truly depict her spirit and true beauty. There are also videos, and a section where you can contact her. She is truly an amazing woman, and so inspiring. God is most definitely smiling down on her. Visit AboutLizzie, and show her some love!

Watch the video of her story on Godvine, and share it on your Facebook, and with family and friends!

Lizzie’s amazing story.



Leave a comment »

Self image, staying fit, and how God sees it all.

I’ve struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. I was always a little chunky as a child, but my true battles with being overweight began when I was 13. I tried my best to be as active and healthy as possible, but still continued to gain a lot of weight. When I was 21, I found myself weighing in at 430 pounds. Granted, I am 5’11, so I didn’t look as heavy as I was, but it was a real eye opener for me. Not only did my weight make me feel terrible, but I was given awful news about my fertility as a result of being obese; I had PCOS. That meant that it was very difficult for my body to ovulate, and the chances of me being able to have a child one day was very slim. Determined not to be barren, and to have a good quality of life, I began my weight loss journey with the lap band. I lost 130 pounds in a little over a year. I was a size 18 at that point, and was more than happy with my results. At the age of 24, I found out I was pregnant. To me, it was a miracle. My weight loss beat PCOS, and I was blessed with the most beautiful thing in this world. While I was pregnant, I experienced IUGR. This meant that my baby wasn’t growing at a healthy rate in my womb. So, my midwife basically gave me a “prescription” to eat lots of protein, and higher amounts of carbohydrates and fat. Unfortunately, it was much harder to get off my “pregnancy diet” then I expected. When my son was 6 months old, I discovered I weighed nearly 60 pounds heavier than I was before I became pregnant, 45 of those pounds being after I gave birth. I began eating healthy again and exercising, and in 4 months I lost 40 pounds. Since then, I gained back 30 pounds as a result of antidepressants. Now I’m back on the wagon, and the journey continues!

The reason I included my personal story, is because I want to make it very clear that I know what it’s like to struggle with health and self image. How does God see health, and how does he see self image?

The bible says that we are God’s temple, and that it should not be destroyed. God doesn’t want us to destroy our bodies by eating junk food, consuming a lot of alcohol, or abusing drugs. We should eat healthy, get exercise, and be kind to our health. But, God also doesn’t want us to feel mass amounts of pressure to be physically fit. After all, God loves us no matter what our scale says. What is most important to God, is our spiritual health. To me, that’s where it starts for Christians. The best way for us to be physically healthy, is to be spiritually healthy first. If we have faith in God, pray, and do all that we do in His glory, becoming a healthier person should follow suit. After all, God doesn’t want us to be lazy, gluttonous, or consumed with substances. These things distract us from our faith anyway. For me, my journey to having a healthier body hasn’t come with so much pressure like it has before. It feels natural, and it feels like something God wants for me. I also know that I won’t disappointment if I’m having a bad day. Because it doesn’t disappoint Him, I know that it won’t disappoint me.

When it comes to self image, I believe that God puts a lot of importance on our heart’s intentions. If you want to fit into your skinny jeans to appear desirable to men or other people, that’s not the right intentions. You should be striving for that because it gives you self confidence, and because it means you’re on your way to being healthy. A lot of Christians think we shouldn’t put importance on our outward appearance, but I don’t believe that this is correct. How we look often reflects who we are on the inside. If you dress in sweat pants and ragged shirts, that likely means that you don’t feel very confident about yourself. That’s not good for us, because if we don’t have confidence in ourselves, how can we have confidence in our faith? Now, this doesn’t mean we should put too much focus on how we look as well. If you’re dead set on wearing what’s in season, or looking sexy, that’s not good for us either. When I see “fashionistas”, I see a woman who puts so much importance in the way she looks, that she doesn’t have a lot of time to focus on the truly important things in her life.

What it comes down to is your own personal convictions. If you don’t feel good about what you’re doing when it comes to your health, or your appearance(whether you’re very fashion forward or don’t have the motivation to wear clean clothes), God is probably trying to tell you something! God is in us, and he is constantly speaking to us to help us better our lives.

Leave a comment »

My inspiration.

There are a lot of people in the world and in my life that inspire me to be a good person. The person that inspires me the most is my mother. She is so strong, and refuses to let her health problems stop her from living her life the best way she can.

My mother has osteoarthritis. Her joints have all betrayed her, and it causes her to be in severe pain. She has been on pain medication for 10 years, and it is the only thing that she has to sustain a somewhat normal life. Even so, she has managed to not abuse her pain medication. That would be so easy for her to do, to over use her medication to give her some emotional relief as well as her pain relief, but she doesn’t. Currently she deals with a lot of pain in her shoulders, back, and hip. She has had multiple surgeries and procedures, including 3 joint replacements. She will never be pain free.

2 years ago a heart shaped mole on her face turned black and blotchy. She had a painful biopsy performed, and was diagnosed with melanoma. She has always had such beautiful skin, and she was devastated. She is not vain by any means, but her face was the one place on her body that wasn’t covered in scars from surgery. She had to have the mole removed, and an additional 2 inches around the top, bottom, and sides of where the melanoma was. After her surgery, she cried a lot. For weeks people stared at her face and pointed at her large incision.

She has also dealt with a lot of emotional abuse from many people in her life from the time she was a little girl. For so many years she struggled with self confidence, and self worth. I won’t go into details about this very personal aspect of her life, but I can tell you all that it has left her emotionally scarred.

Though she has been through so much, my mother is not bitter or angry with God. For the most part, she is very emotionally healthy. Most people in her situation would be a wreck at this point in their life. Even so, she loves God, and knows that her pain and suffering hasn’t been for nothing. To me, she is an example for anyone who wonders why God allows certain things to happen to us. She shows me that through it all, there is still room left in us for love and faith.

Leave a comment »

Soul surfer.

Today I felt like having a lazy day. No cleaning, no work, no phone calls. My son and I had the house all to ourselves, and we spent a lot of the day watching Yo Gabba Gabba and playing in the pool. After I put Kylan down for his nap, I decided to reap the benefits on having all the movie channels free for three months. I was excited to see that Soul Surfer was about to come on, because it was on my mental list of movies I had been wanting to see(that list is a pretty long one, by the way!).

This movie completely amazed me. I already knew the movie was about a teenage girl that loses her arm from a shark attack while surfing, and that she defies the odds against her by continuing to surf. What I did not know about this movie, is it really isn’t even about a girl that overcomes a horrific accident to pursue what she loves. It’s about a girl trying to figure out what God’s plan is for her, and how her pain will benefit those around her. There is a specific scene in this movie that blew my mind, and brought me to tears. After feeling defeated, she decides to go on a mission trip to Thailand to help with the tsunami relief effort. She quickly sees that the people in Thailand are stricken with fear, and afraid to go in the water, even though it’s safe. So she grabs a board, and goes to the water to show a small child how to surf. Her bravery is noticed by the rest of the people on the beach, and they push past their own fear and join her in the water.

We all suffer at certain points in our lives. Sometimes it is hard to realize, but God is trying to show us something. He is trying to show us how our pain and suffering can be used in our lives to inspire others, and to complete God’s plan for us. I have been feeling really down lately. I have been struggling with depression, single motherhood, and many other things. Although I do not yet know what God’s plan is for me, and how my personal pain will tie into that plan. But I have to believe that a purpose is there, and that when the time is right, God will reveal it to me. Until God opens those doors for me, I refuse to regret the pain that I have to deal with in my life. I won’t just accept that pain, I will embrace it. I will have faith, and I will be strong.

I can do everything through He who gives me strength.

Leave a comment »

What God wants for me.

Lately I have been dealing a lot with my own personal struggles. I have gained weight that I worked hard to lose, my son is now a toddler and is an expert at playing the part, and I have been struggling with the empty feeling that loneliness has bestowed upon me. It has caused me to wonder, what does God want for me? What is something that he wants me to gain from this life besides my salvation and praise? As I look at all these recent struggles, I am compelled to believe that God wants me to have more confidence.

I desperately need to find more confidence inside myself so that I can jump back on the wagon and continue with my weight loss. I have been drowning in self pity in this area. I worked very hard to lose 40 pounds. I started anti depressants back in January, and the increase in appetite did a number on me. I slowly backed out of my healthy eating, and before I knew it, I gained 30 pounds. I’ve gone off the anti depressants and have started taking mood enhancing vitamins, but until a few days ago I hadn’t gone back on my “diet”. I can’t be successful in being a healthier person if I’m not feeling a certain amount of confidence.

I also need to find more confidence in who I am as a mother. My son has had sleeping issues as of lately, and I am horribly sleep deprived. Because of his sleeping issues, he’s cranky. Because of my sleep deprivation, I’m cranky as well. I’ve been impatient and frustrated, which is making me feel like I’m not doing such a great job at being a mom.

Then there’s the loneliness. I’ve been single for quite some time, and I’m prepared to remain that way for a while. But still, there is an emptiness within me because I want very badly to meet the man that God is waiting to bring into my life. It’s hard for me not to wonder if I am the reason I’m still single, which makes me feel pretty bad. It’s a struggle to not feel such a lack of confidence because I’m still single.

With the way I’ve been feeling, I am so compelled to just pray, and seek answers through God’s word. I can slowly feel my self confidence fighting to come out. I just have to get back on track with my weight loss, get more sleep and feel more patience for my son, and remember that when the time comes God will bring a wonderful man into my life.

God wants me to be more self confident, because when I’m confident, my life is at it’s best. My relationship with Jesus is at it’s best. Everything is simply better. If you’re struggling with personal issues, you need to ask yourself what I’ve asked myself, “What does God want for me?” It may take a little time to get the answer, but it’s there, and God is waiting to give it to you.